I realized tonight (when someone else voiced it as true for him) that I get bored unless surrounded by bits of uncertainty and surprise. I don't think I can ever really thrive on any semblance of stability. Is that the idea artist's life? In terms of a "relationship" (and without getting too cliche-dly "Dear Diary" about it, this lasting relationship thing is the thing that has really eluded me), I want to be loved and comfortable, but I think I'm trying too hard to conform to what I think that love and comfort is supposed to be. It really is true that no one teaches us to date (another thing uttered tonight, and not by me); we learn weird versions of this type of social interaction from TV or movies, but it leaves us scrambling to understand how to behave or treat each other in a way that will bring us together for the long haul. In my version of "love," I need to be certain of someone's feelings, but I also need that person to be up for an adventure ... a risk taker willing to put it all out on the line every day, all the time, in every aspect (and not just when dealing with me). I think a person that understands that and lives and breathes that is the only person that is really going to be able to put up with me.
It's a tall order. The modern world mostly teaches us to be safe and calculate any risk before taking it, measuring our success in percentages and steering clear of things with little chance of working out in the end, even when our guts tell us we can definitely do these things and be happier than we ever imagined. We give up on our dreams sometimes in favor of "smart." And we even avoid tiny risks (that will definitely not result in death), like asking someone out or daring to express our true feelings (to anyone, about anything). And this keeps us pessimistic (everyone knows you don't succeed if you don't try, and all those other cliches that are cliches because they are so obviously true). I vote for optimism; and down with wishy washy non-commitalism. It's the only energy that's going to bring in my dream fellow emotional/life daredevil.
Sometimes you learn a lot of critical things about yourself in just a couple hours, usually when you're not trying (and especially when you've been trying for a long time previously) ... and always when you're completely unsuspecting. I think the fact that I experienced that tonight probably means something, but I'm up for not knowing what yet. I definitely got asked a lot of questions I didn't expect, some for which I didn't have answers. And I know these little moments where sparks fly (along with the dozens of other chemical reactions and coincidences that accompany them) and I am thrown for a loop and left a little breathless, without a definite idea of what's up the hill, or up the stairs, or what's waiting for me at the end of the road in the park are signs I'm going the right way.
In other-but-still-related news, I need to stop using comedy as a defense mechanism. I always regret it when I fail to express the truth in the moment simply because I'm afraid of a reaction or think it will expose my underbelly. Appearing too-good-to-be-true never gets anyone anywhere, even when the illusion is almost unquestionably real. And at worst, the person just comes across as suspicious and close to dropping the other shoe.
Today was a decent day, then a great day, then a phenomenal day, then a confusingly weird/iffy day, but then suddenly, it was an outstanding day again. Thanks, Universe, for the excitement of keeping me guessing ... but the reward of bringing it around at the end. I wasn't expecting any of this.
"I'm going to sleep now with visions of such sugar plums dancing ..."
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