On the surface, I deal very well with change. Underneath, change is my worst nightmare, and when I feel it sweeping through, I usually need to take some moments of silence before I can embrace it.
I saw this coming a mile away; I felt the breeze shifting subtly from somewhere unknown, as I usually do in these situations, and I knew something huge was about to hit. Someone that, in spite of my best efforts, has come to mean a lot to me in a short time called to offer the apology I deserve, and I have yet to be able to do my part and call back. It was what I've been waiting for, but I'm afraid of what is beyond the apology. I accept it may be just that and a dead end that implodes on itself, but I want there to be another step: that elusive door to something really, legitimately good. Likely it is a gateway, but to more uncertainty. Still, exercising my excellent forgiving skills (it's one of my best qualities) could also bring me some positive surprise that I can't define until I just leap (isn't that what happens to those that are good to other people? Well, I say, "Not necessarily" if my experience is any indication).
About a decade of navigating a sky of devastating things crashing all around me has pushed me from optimism to a middle, boring point of realism (I think we live in an economic world at the moment where this is also true, so everything is in boring, predictable, unoriginal alignment). I'm not quite pessimistic yet, but I've crept miles closer to negative absolutism, and I don't want to be there. No good can come of it, and I need to force myself back into personal risk taking that can only happen through staying at least secretly sunny. My skin is thick enough to take much worse than the worst that could likely happen in this case. And I have a feeling it will only take one small positive outcome to bring me halfway back to sparsely-clouded optimism, so I should throw more good, hot irons on the fire. It really can't get worse than this.
I've been feeling that "something huge" wind change the past week. As my friend R. said last night when I was feeling really overwhelmed and also impatient for something to just happen to bring things to an obvious step instead of keep them in unknown limbo: "But you're in it right now. It's happening."
I also realize I'm a true defeatist, and that's not good either. I'm not one of those wishy-washy, self-serving armchair defeatists who says, "Nothing good will ever happen to me and I will never get who or what I want" hoping that by declaring defeat out loud I will convince some unknown force I've really given up and am not expecting anything, thus opening me up to be blindsided by some miraculous event. I honestly believe to my core that it could go on in a straight, boring line forever, and that it is more likely than not that dreams of mine will never come true.
So, I'm taking a moment (and I swear it will be brief -- not 5 weeks) to think through this change ... and perhaps hoping for some grander gesture. Also, I'm throwing it out into the "void" that pays attention to this passive aggressive void that is this blog, I am going to need the same patience, care and persistence I have always exhibited with this situation. I'm still a little angry (after all, I've had about 5 plus weeks of unfair, aggressive, hurtful negligence and it's built up a lot of seething annoyance) ... but it's definitely going to go away. You already know why.
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