satifaction guaranteed

It's really true that when one area of life goes spectacularly well, some of the others suffer. Let me clarify, it's more that none of them are ever perfect (nor should they be. What would I write about?). But it's definitely a rule of the universe that when you start to get really incredible at your job and people come a-callin', and you finally get a steady core of some lovely, dependable friends (I think this is the first time in my life that exists, actually), and you start to convince (or maybe "dupe," but who cares what it is?) yourself with helpings of hope that you might be good at the whole love thing, but you really just haven't found the right person, the sketchy voice creeps back into your ear and makes you question everything.

I finished what was really an insignificant transcription project in the grander scheme of things yesterday, but felt really great, because it was challenging, I got immediate kudos (just on sight and a quick browse-through of the gigantic document) from the new client. And it proved I can still do really fantastic work and be incredibly skilled and impressive at my job, as silly and unaffective as parts of my job sometimes feel. And this project that I rocked is probably the beginning of a new professional work relationship that will really improve my life. I also just had a fairly great week with lots of pitches getting accepted for some fantastically fun and interesting articles. And on the social front, I've had some really good times (and more to come) with favorite friends.

Still, guess what I am I focusing on right now? Waking up this morning and discovering that someone who has been the least dependable person in my life for the past nine or so months after he exploded into it (but at times has very confusingly done some really big gesture things for me) and has sent my head and heart for a tailspin (but also sometimes has conversely also sky-rocketed both body parts into shiny places) and aggressively challenged my sanity and sometimes the things I know about myself sent me messages in the middle of the night when I finally thought he wouldn't dare anymore. The answer and response to him continues to be the same as the one I landed on after his last message a month and a half ago: I can't engage with someone that more often than not doesn't approach me like a human being (or at least most of the time chooses not to approach me in a human way), even if I've set a bad precedent and accepted that type of contact in the past against my better judgment. Still, sometimes (and perhaps a lot more than sometimes) I miss him ... a lot. And I secretly pull for him in a corner of my mind, hoping he'll miraculously overcome some of the social retardation -- which I've admittedly helped create -- as well as some deep truths I believe might prevent anything from changing, and emerge victorious.

The other part of me wants a sweep-me-off-my feet scenario from an entirely new contender that will just render this very intense problem powerless and irrelevant.

You can't please everyone.